New Beginnings

Is it possible to repair something that’s been so broken even finding the pieces has become a game of find the needle in the haystack?

 

We’ve all been in relationships where it ends, well, for a multitude of reasons, but, don’t we all imagine that miraculously things can go back to the way they were before? Before all the screaming and shouting, before all the words said out of anger and hurt, before some of us thought the grass was greener on the other side, before all the things that we did just to survive that may have hurt other people?

 

We carry that dead relationship like an old photo, where you only remember that specific moment where you have that stupid grin on your face forgetting all the moments before and after that “magical photo opportunity”. When you forget how it is you got here in the first place, the long journey that went horribly astray, the detour you can’t remember taking that took you to a fork in the road.

And, like that fork in the road, you may eventually meet up back on the same road but, both your journeys have led you to different places and left their mark on the both of you.

Unfortunately change is inevitable, and when you meet up again, some hard lessons may have been learnt in the meanwhile and the distance between you lengthened. As you try to patch the pieces together misunderstandings become mountains and carelessness becomes a knife. Past hurts become a stranger lying in your bed separating you, and yeah, we’d kick that bitch outta the bed if we both weren’t holding onto her so tightly.

 

Some will survive the trip and some of us wont, some of us will try to pick up the pieces and glue them back together and fail miserably when we realize that the cracks still remain, leaving weak points that could crumble at any time. And some of will rise triumphant when we realize that a new beginning means exactly that- something shiny and brand new. Starting over, not picking up the pieces..xxx

 

 

Love Actuality

Ah, and so I’m single again, those promises of a happy ending kinda faded away and didn’t quite make it to fruition. And no, I’m not bitter, when these end I’m sometimes angry, sometimes saddened but always disappointed.

No relationship is ever perfect but, I have this innate ability to fool myself into thinking so, well, almost every time. It’s that I’m a believer in love and for some strange reason I do think any problem can be fixed, it’s only when I’ve tried exhaustive measures to repair something that I realize that you may be able to fix something but the cracks remain. And at that point I have no choice but to make a gracious exit.

My best friend is remarkable in that when she dates she takes everything at face value for the first month or two but, by the time the third month has rolled around she has figured out whether you’re a keeper or not, whether she can see herself with you indefinitely or if there are any chinks in your armour that would create future unfixable problems. She knows exactly what she wants and just like that she’ll show you the door. I’ve berated her on previous occasions for being so quick to decide but, the truth is, maybe we actually know the truth ourselves, maybe we sometimes just choose to ignore it or we think somewhere deep down we can change those things or we can learn to deal with them or accept them. Truth be told we probably all know there are certain things about people that we can never change and there are things we know that we could never put up with.

Like I said, I’m a believer so I still, yes, still, believe that love can conquer all. I shamelessly believe that love is worth all the risks, all the sleepless nights and that maybe, just maybe, those things can be overcome. That maybe, putting up with things you wouldn’t dream of putting up with is worth those blissful moments, the connection, the contact, the inseparability.

So, maybe she has it all figured out, she does work with a plan and that is commendable and most probably prevents a lot more heartbreak, I take my hat off to anyone who has it all sorted. But me, I’m happy to sit in my corner for incurable romantics and live in the hope that under all that glass is a shiny bit of something and I don’t mind working my way around a few rough edges.xxx

Closing Time

The gay community is known for its’ forever young policy, and nothing wrong with that. I’ve shirked plenty of responsibility in favour of being that kinda person. But, surely at some point there has to be a little growing up that gets done?

We’ve all done the partying and the drinking and the drug abuse and the chasing 20 somethings, we’ve all thought at some point that the grass is greener on the other side and dabbled in it, we’ve all been careless with somebody’s heart, we’ve all let somebody be reckless with ours, we’ve dated for all the wrong reasons – for the security, for the sex, just to have someone… We’ve dated for the right reasons – for love, because somebody made us happier than we ever thought we’d be…

But at what point do we bag it? At what point do we stop and say, hey, you see that 50 something at the club – don’t be THAT guy. Do lesbians ever really settle down? Yeah, we talk about it ad nauseum, when we meet someone we can see ourselves playing house with, someone we’ve just fallen in love with (or maybe it’s just lust?). And sometimes we wanna marry them just to stake our claim, just to make them ours but, do we ever really grow up?

I’m a jeans and t-shirts kinda chick and I’ll probably be one till I’m 70, I like to hang out with my friends and have a coupla drinks and perhaps partake in, well, whatever, but, it’s exhausting when every time you date someone they spout tales of wanting to settle down and get married and have babies and in the blink of an eye a few months later they turn into Lindsay Lohan. The drugging, drinking, falling down in public, flirting with 20 year olds to boost our fragile egos, cries for attention. Don’t get me wrong but, the drug scene is soooo two years ago, been there, done that, got the oversized t-shirt.

I’m not saying we should usurp the roles of our straight counterparts and sit at home bickering every night about who’s turn it is to wash the dishes and let’s face it, most of us will probably not have children in our lifetime, it takes a decent amount of money and dedication to achieve that and most of us don’t have it in us (and I speak for myself here). But, do we have to go out of our way to prove a point? At some point we are going to get old and wrinkly, and yes, the gay community does it waaay more gracefully than most but, still, we will get there. And by then the 20 year olds will stop looking at us and no amount of drugs, booze or pleas for attention are going to make us feel any better, in our quiet corner, with our shattered egos.

I’m not quite sure how it is we’re supposed to settle down and maybe that’s part of the problem, but there has GOT to be an after party…doesn’t there?xxx

Dressed for Les-Sex?

Standing outside with a work colleague today on our usual smoke break with our slowing blueing hands, discussing how it would be so much nicer to be in front of a fireplace with a glass of gluwein having a Swedish masseuse massage our feet (I opted for Spanish due to my inherent dislike of blondes), the subject of my being gay was broached. And for once in my life I stood mumbling with no coherent answer.

How is it that I can answer (and bluntly mind you), questions about my sex life, my coming out and probing questions about my relationships but when asked why lesbians tend to dress like tomboys and why there are girls who only date those kinds of girls I stumble at the first hurdle. Well, I am one of those girls that only date tomboys, and I love everything about them, I love the short hair and muscle tone and the boyish look they pull off so well. And I knew he was thinking, hmm…so you like girls who look like boys aren’t you a bit confused? But, no, I think it’s most probably, for me anyway, that the outside being so boyish makes the undressing and revealing of them soooo feminine. (Kind of like that age old librarian fantasy who turns out to be a wild child It’s also most probably that I like being dominated and I just don’t see femme girls that way, I don’t go for the whole damsel in distress kinda girl that I’d have to do everything for (not that I’m saying all femme girls are like that don’t get me wrong), I just believe in equal partnerships and even though I wear make up and paint my nails and fuss over my hair for an hour everyday I’m still a jeans and T kinda girl. And even though I bitch about breaking a nail I can use power tools, change a tyre and work in the garden. But, is he right? Do I really just go for girls that I look like boys because I secretly yearn for one? Nah. It’s like saying that girls who like boys with long hair secretly want some girl on girl action…not plausible.

But then I turned to the other side of the coin, ok that’s what I’m attracted to but, then why do some girls dress that way? I’ve gathered that that’s the way they’re comfortable and to me it suits their personalities but, in the interests of further understanding I went out to ask the majority of lesbians I know. And…I got no direct answers, the majority of my answers came in as – that’s how I’m comfortable. I know a good deal of girls who changed how they dressed as youngsters, trying to fit in, also, to be acknowledged. It’s much easier for the hotty at the bar to give you the eye when she knows without a doubt you’re lesbian and not some great hulk’s girlfriend. When I go out I’m always surprised that people know I’m gay, I don’t feel as though it is that apparent, but, clearly it is and so, I wonder, am I in that class too? Even though I am unashamedly lesbian I don’t make a conscious decision to dress “like one”. My choice of clothing is just what I’m comfortable in and what I think looks good.

I suppose I didn’t have an answer because it’s not something I question; I take it for granted that everyone has their own unique style. I suppose if I were to grab the other end of the stick I’d ask him if he doesn’t think liking straight girls who are constantly dressed in jeans makes him a little gay?xxx

Family Tied?

So we all date and we all move in with our significant others at some time or other but, while all that is going on do we even pause to think how great an influence our friends and family have on us and on our other halfs? Maybe you think it doesn’t factor into your decision making but statistics say it does and quite heavily too… and I’m not just talking about their opinions and approval.

You meet the parents or the mom for the first time and you’re on your best behaviour, in my case you like the mom immediately and in my girlfriend’s case you’re still terrified of her five months after meeting her (yes, my mom has that effect on all my girlfriends, being very willing to speak her mind and all ). And then it progresses from there with you meeting further family members like siblings. And I’m like, awesome, your older sister and I have things in common, and I’m starting to settle in like it’s my second home.  And then I meet the circle of friends and again I love them, they’re fun and giving and sharing and I wouldn’t mind stealing them and calling them my own. And then, I meet the younger sister and her boyfriend, and the favourite cousin and it’s time to put on the breaks a little, uh, I’m not wildly fond of them but, we can’t love everybody and I’m positive that she doesn’t like everybody I choose to spend my time with so I’m totally okay with that.

But, then they’re invited over to my house on every given opportunity and I find myself resentful that I not only have to share all my time with her but, that I constantly have to play host, field intrusive questions about my relationship with her from her younger sister (who is fifteen years younger than myself), play chauffeur, have to deal with my home being taken over and lists of demands, perpetually feel like I am playing housemaid and that when I  plan an evening out alone with my girlfriend to introduce her to one of my best friends and his boyfriend the cousin has to tag along – by the time all and sundry leave I’m exhausted!

On the other side of the coin however, I am positive my family is no picnic either but, I’m quite adept at setting aside time for my immediate family and my girlfriend without inflicting one on the other too often. My girlfriend and I come from two very different backgrounds and as such there are bound to be difficulties on both sides, and even though I try I know she feels as though she doesn’t quite fit in with my family and friends and I hate the thought that she feels alienated in the very place I am most at ease.

So, do you voice your disdain for the family invasion or do you suck it up until you get to bursting point? I know they say when you marry someone you marry their family too and I’m all for that, it’s just that I didn’t know I was moving them all in with me even before the wedding bells had starting ringing…xxx

Axing The Ex

And so, it’s been a long journey up until where I sit tonight, with a signed offer to purchase my own home tightly grasped in my hand(well, it was always my home except up until tonight it was OUR home).

Yes, relationships come and go; some last and some don’t, some last years and some months. This last one lasted almost thirteen years and granted at some point you believe it’ll last forever and you have visions of sugarplumfairies dancing in your head and you sign that joint bond together, smirking inwardly at all the silly fools you know are envious of your playing house and your perfect life, wishing they could all have the same. Come on, I don’t have the wrong end of the stick, I was jealous of those people myself, until five months ago when the home I grew to love, the garden that I so lovingly planted from scratch, the perfect décor I had put together became more of a noose around my neck than a safe place to come home to.

Yes, the relationship ended, badly, as most do and as ordinary people we were left with the dilemma of what to do about the house, neither one of us were prepared to pay the full bond while the other would reap the reward once the house got sold and so WA LA! Stalemate! We were stuck with each other through an extremely trying time, five months of getting along three days a week and bickering for the other four. I fell in love and her affair fell apart, I learnt to forgive and she learnt to despise my happiness, I bonded once more with my family and she mourned the loss of them. As a result, when I should have been the angry one the situation did a 180 degree turn and she became hurt and angry and our living conditions deteriorated.

If you’ve ever watched The Ex with Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn you’ll have a slight insight as to how ridiculous it could and did become. Coming home at 1:30 in the morning to be locked out of your house is not a pleasant experience, nor is having her throw liquor bottles at your cat and smashing the oven door in the process, neither is being asleep and being woken up at 3 in the morning by her and a friend sitting in your lounge cursing you, banging doors and faking screwing in the room next door to yours, ditto to coming home and having the electricity cut because she didn’t feel like paying it this month, who stole who’s friends, how your TV got broken, who paid for what and who gets what… I could write an entire thesis on the kinds of things that went on, and nooo, I’m not elaborating, I couldn’t suck this kinda stuff out my thumb if I tried .Add to that my new girlfriend who has to stomach the thought of me going home to my ex after every weekend and trust that nothing happens, and knowing the kinds of childish things that do happen and not being able to do anything about it. She’s a stronger person than I think I’ll ever be, I don’t think I could have put up with it (I might have bitch slapped myself and run screaming for the hills had the shoe been on the other foot) but, she’s stood by my side biting her tongue through it all.

So I’ve done everything short of selling my soul to pay her out and keep my home and I’ve finally let myself breathe that sigh of relief, it’s over and in 12 days I’ll be living on my own for the first time ever and I’m elated and terrified all at once But, once bitten twice shy and I don’t believe I’ll ever purchase property with a loved one again. I ‘d often wished I had been one of those couples who rented a place and at the slightest hint of trouble could just take my shit and leave, often wondering if it wasn’t the house that kept us together longer than it should have. Funny how we give material objects that much power over us isn’t it?xxx

In Les We Trust?

In Les We Trust?

So, I’ve recently come out of what I thought at the time was a good long term relationship but, it turned out that it was in actual fact a grossly dysfunctional one where I became the sort of person I never want to be again. I became one of those girlfriends who checked my girlfriend’s phone at any given opportunity, hacked into her online chat passwords, facebook passwords, email passwords… you name it, I did it. And yes, I’m ashamed and embarrassed by my actions. In hindsight, it was just that I knew something was amiss, like we often do and it was my only avenue for trying to discover what I already knew in my heart was true. Granted, that doesn’t excuse my behaviour and I wish I hadn’t done it, it was kinda like it was a slippery slope I just slipped into and before I knew it I was this twisted person with major trust issues.

I’ve moved on since then and met a beautiful person, one who, like me, has her own issues, but, reminds me of what a relationship should be like. I feel wanted and loved and I’m happy to the extent where family and friends have remarked that it’s nice to have me back and I can’t get enough of her. And so, in short, I am in love and I love spending time with her even if I’m just near her. But, two months in and the question of trust has reared its’ ugly head yet again. Don’t get me wrong, she hasn’t done anything to warrant me distrusting her, to the contrary, she is open and honest. But, I obviously have my own issues, after the ex and I eventually broke up I discovered that the affair had been going on much longer than I had anticipated and that people that barely knew me had been feeling sorry for me and I’m no therapist but, I’m assuming I’m just terrified it’ll happen again and it’s because at this two month point I’ve realized the depth of my love for her and that I’ve opened myself up enough to get hurt now.

So, how do you get past it? Are these warning signals you’re ignoring or is it just paranoia? Should you mention it to the new girlfriend every time you feel that way? Or should you keep quiet, hoping those feelings will pass without having your new girlfriend think you’re a jealous psycho freak? LOL! I don’t know, I haven’t quite figured it out but, I do believe it’s by and large self destructive behaviour, so for now I’m going to chalk it up to that. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go blindly into that dark night it’s just that for now I’m going to pack it up in a little box and put it away to be taken out at a later date when I’ve learnt better how to manage it.

I hope I’ve learnt something from my past experience, well, enough to be able to realize when I’m on that slippery slope and when I need to reign it in. I promised myself when I got out that if I ever felt myself slipping over to the “dark side” again I’d leave before I tortured myself and became that person again and that’s one promise I made to myself that I intend to keep!xxx

Dating in the shallow end of the pool…

Dating in the shallow end of the pool…

Lol, ok, so apparently I’ve recently joined the ranks of being a cradle-snatcher, a womb raper, dating in the shallow end of the pool and the list goes on… Seriously though, it was by and large unintentional, I usually avoid younger girls like the plague, my past experiences with them have been of vapid, vain girls who like the idea of a sugamama (god forbid somebody ever calls me that!), and who can’t hold a conversation beyond telling you what they’re going to wear tonight. Even though I cannot date someone who I can’t have a conversation with, I won’t lie and say looks don’t count (it is after all what initially draws you to someone by all accounts), let’s be honest, you don’t stand across the club eye-ing out some girl because you can see her sparkling personality But, I’ve usually preferred to stay within a 3 to 4 year age gap for conversational reasons and after getting burnt by a nineteen year old when I was in my mid twenties.

So yes, it still comes as a surprise to me that I could be THAT smitten with a girl nine years younger than I am. I find her exuberance and selfless affection incredibly endearing and even more even more surprising is that we sit and talk for hours and she tells me I am the quiet one!(which, if you know me you’ll find exceptionally odd because I don’t shut up for a minute!) I haven’t had a restful night since we started dating and no, not for the obvious reasons (well, maybe, maybe not but I don’t kiss and tell unless you’re in my circle of trust ) but, because even when we aren’t together we sit up and chat all night and I am loath to say goodnight, even to my own detriment of falling asleep on her whilst chatting on mxit for which I have spent a great deal of time in the dogbox.  She’s taught me a lot of things I thought I was old enough to know better, like you can still be enthusiastic about a new relationship no matter how many times you’ve been hurt before, that there are still people who believe in second chances and that, yes, people don’t change but they do grow up (a little anyway ).

I have become the envy of my male friends who spout tales of how lucky I am to be dating a 23yr old to the extent of toasting it at evenings out, however, I have been advised on numerous occasions that I would be better off with a partner who better understands how the world works and one who can provide for me. Alritey, I’m not sure when we started inching our way back into the fifties but, I can look after myself just fine and have done so for most of my adult life. Taking that into consideration, I shudder to think what her friends say about me, but, I am non-plussed, she’s grown up enough to make her own decisions as am I. If you’ve dated, which we all have, you’ll understand that finding someone you can connect with and enjoy spending time with is far more valuable than having a girl who takes you out, buys you nice gifts and bores you to tears every night. But, then again, I may only be speaking for myself, I have seen plenty of those relationships in the lesbian world and they do seem to work, albeit for a short period of time.

I’m well aware that alls fine and well in the first coupla months with any relationship, never mind those with big age differences but, I’m willing to bide my time and see how it turns out. So, I’ll enjoy it while it lasts, and throw caution to the wind and I won’t care who approves and who doesn’t, after all, once you’ve had to come out of the closet disapproval is easy to handle. For those of you who’ve considered it before and been hesitant I’ll say only one thing…Try it, just once, don’t let age be a deciding factor for you, you are gay nest ce pas? So surely you’re done letting society dictate the rules to you by now xxx

I’m just staying for one more drink

Well, it’s number one on my list anyway, you may beg to differ. The innate inability of partners to come home when they’re expected home. Seriously, we’ve all been there, even my straight friends , I’m just staying for one more drink, I’m on my way home, I’m just finishing my drink, which is followed by them arriving home 8 hours later (yes, I did say 8 hours).

And yeah, it’s bad enough when they arrive home in a drunken state but, it’s somewhat worse when you’ve been up all night wondering whether they’re still alive. This kind of behaviour is usually preceded by many arguments about them wanting to go out alone with their friends which brings in a new concern at 5 o’clock in the morning, are they alive? And the inevitable, are they sleeping in somebody else’s bed? (Or car or public loo)

For someone who’s been in a long term relationship where it was never an issue, where, because we are both girls, the idea of a girls’ night out usually involved both of us attending, this is extremely perturbing. Don’t get me wrong, I believe that the occasional night out alone with your friends may be somewhat liberating but, what do you do when the “occasional” night out becomes every Friday night? What do you do when you don’t know where your partner is, nevermind who they are with? What do you do when your partner lies about where they go? What do you do when you cannot even trust your partner to go have coffee with a friend at eleven o’clock on a Saturday morning because you know they wont return until the next morning? What do you do when a couple of drinks at a friends place turns into a drunken night of debauchery as your partner stumbles in the door at 6:15am muttering that they told you they were going for a coupla drinks? Do you, A. Sulk? B. Throw a tantrum? C. Threaten to pack up and leave? Or D. Pack up your belongings and head to your friends’ home who, with all the kindness in their hearts take you in and attempt to console your broken heart? For me it’s been a resounding E. All of the above, in sequence, over a matter of months.

Some might say that this behaviour signals the beginning of the end, and in light of recent events I agree whole heartedly. It is invariably the beginning of the end when one of you is trying in an obscure manner to break away. See it for what it is, if you are to salvage any of your feelings. If they need to break away that badly, if they need to change who they are at the core, then they obviously don’t like themselves very much and someone who doesn’t like themselves is incapable of liking you, never mind loving you. If you’re a patient person, which I’ve attempted to be, you might consider waiting for that person to find their way back to you, unfortunately though, so many changes may have taken place by then that the person you loved is unrecognizable.

I can say though, that even though leaving was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and my heart is broken I have much to be thankful for, I allowed my girlfriend to become not only my best friend, as she should be, but, my only friend. And I’ve learnt that girlfriends will come and go but, the girls who will come over to my house at the drop of a hat and drink wine with me and listen to my venting and whining and reassure me in the middle of the night that I am indeed better off and take my phone away when I’m tempted to drunk dial are priceless. For the girls who arrange a place for me to stay and open up their homes and their hearts to me, who remind me that it needs to stop being about what she wants but, about what I want, who remind me that there are friends to lean on, and remind that even though it’s extremely frightening being single after twelve years it’s something that should be embraced and that they’re all intrigued to meet my future girlfriends, I couldn’t be more grateful and yes, it was a hard lesson but one I won’t easily forget.

So, if you find yourself justifying your partner’s selfish behaviour to all and sundry and you find your friends giving you those pitying glances every time you show up alone, you might want to take a closer look at your own situation from your friends’ point of view. And if it even seems like you’re a victim reassure yourself that you are.xxx

Lesbian Pet Peeves #1

Lesbian Pet Peeves #1

Die Hard Dykes

Yes, I’m a lesbian and no, I don’t want to discriminate against my own kind, but…..these girls are not necessarily my own kind. You’ll know exactly which girls I’m talking about when I get started, the kinds who, themselves, discriminate against what they deem to be “lesser-bians”.

I’ve only recently discovered that I’m a “lesser-bian” myself, and needless to say I was quite taken aback by this revelation. I’ve been out of the closet approximately 13 years now , been with the same partner for the last 12 (give or take a few minor indisgressions during tough times), my family and all my work colleagues are aware of my  preferences and STILL this is not good enough for those Die Hard Dykes. The fact that I’m femme and enjoy the company and awesome sense of humour of boys well! That makes me a “lesser-bian”. All this time I thought that the days of man-hater lesbians should surely be long gone, only to discover recently that this form of heterophobia is alive and still kicking.

I applied to have articles of mine published on a lesbian web site only to find out after my articles had received approval, that I had not. Lol! The articles were lesbian enough but, apparently my joking with a male friend of mine on my facebook wall was unacceptable with a capital U. I’m not the kind of image they want for their website. I BEG YOUR FUCKING PARDON?!! Soooo, an open minded, non-judgmental, accepting individual is not acceptable? Seriously, I’m trying not to smirk but, it’s not working.

What I really wanna know though is, is it just a girl thing? We all know the term fag-hag (you know those straight girls who are inseparable without their gay bffs), so why isn’t there a term for the boys that lesbian girls like to hang out with? After all, we do have many shared interests, not least of all our shared appreciation of the female form and the intense need to perve over it. Yes, I’ll agree that boys do have an overwhelming fondness for lesbians, or lets rather say a fondness for bi girls which they confuse with lesbians but, once they get past that it’s nice to get a girl’s point of view on whether or not shaving your nether regions was a bad idea or not without her thinking you’re making an offer to display them to her. I mean, who better to give you advice on how to touch a woman than a woman who has all those body parts and pleases those body parts on another woman? It’s like going straight to the guy who wrote the manual for advice

And for me? The appeal? Hello?! I spend all my time with women, girlfriend, bitches, straight best mates who I hang out with and party with, and I love them all and prefer their company but, occasionally it’s interesting to have a conversation with, and relate to another type of individual who doesn’t analyse everything because fuck me! There’s nothing women do better! It also rocks to know you aren’t the only one not making eye contact with the double d standing in front of you.

So, yes, I’m a bad girl because I can share a laugh with a coupla boys, because I’m not shy to partake in the use of sex toys, because I have straight friends and enjoy straight clubs on occasion and worst of all that I’m comfortable enough with my own sexuality to be able to enjoy anyone’s company regardless of their anatomical differences. Really, I ask you, what is a penis between friends?xxx

p.s.  Join our “Lesser-bians and friends of lesser-bians” group on fb